10 Things You Should Know Before Dating Someone in an Open Relationship

You better be comfortable following the rules if you want to play.

1. She's not going to jump into bed with you. I mean, she might, but it's not a given. Open is the status of her relationship, not her legs.

2. She's going to jump into bed with you. I know what I just wrote. But you should prepare your heart/vagina/penis/other body parts for the fact that she may be interested in a hookup — and only a hookup.

3. You have to follow her rules if you want to play. You have the option not to date her, but if you decide to go for it, be aware that there may be certain agreements she's made with her primary partner, i.e. how often she can see you, or how intense things can be sexually. It's pretty unlikely those will be adjustable. People in open relationships usually apply a lot of forethought to the architecture of those things.

4. She's not a "cheater." She didn't decide to enter an open relationship because she is fundamentally immoral, a moustache-twirling cartoon villain, or anyone else who is generally careless with the feelings of others. There are reasons monogamy doesn't work for her. Respect that.

5. If you have any questions about how this is going to work, just ask her. She's very, um, open. She knows exactly what she needs and she'll be more than happy to let you know.

6. She's opinionated, and don't mistake her for confused. She's not in an open relationship because she can't decide on one. She's in an open relationship because she's self-assured in her wants and needs, and knows how to execute them.

7. She likes sex. It might not be the sole reason she is conducting additional relationships outside of her primary one — but, yeah, she enjoys it. She enjoys it a lot.

8. You're going to have to work well with others. Depending on the degree to which things heat up, you may have to make decisions about your relationship with her that factor in other people — namely her partner, or others you're dating. If you're the kind of person who would rather write an essay than do the group project, this might not be for you.

9. She's emotionally mature. Don't play games. She's had to assess her perspective, wants, needs, and values, and negotiate those with the perspective, needs, wants, and values of at least one other person and likely even more. She's not going to sweat the small stuff — unless it's your brain.

10. You will never, ever be bored with her. Whether it's for a few minutes, a few hours or a few decades, this will be an experience you won't forget. So let go of your preconceptions and hold onto your hat, your heart, and the headboard.

Resource: cosmopolitan.com

15 Sneaky Signs a Marriage May End in Divorce

At least according to these (somewhat strange) statistics.

1. The bride had pre-wedding jitters. If the future Mrs. has cold feet, the couple's risk of divorce more than doubles, according to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology. The good news? A groom with "I do" doubts has almost no impact on the future of the marriage. 

2. The couple got married young — or after age 32. Sure, conventional wisdom holds thatgetting married too early isn't the best bet for a lasting union. "I often see couples in their 40s in counseling who got married too young and didn't have experience with other partners or want different things now," says Rachel Sussman, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert. "Because there's a very good chance that in 10 or 15 years, you're going to be a very different person — and you should be." 

But a new study says that after age 32, a couple's risk of divorce increases by 5% each year they wait to wed. Sussman attributes this to entrenched independence and a need for space. 

3. A family has two daughters. Sadly, it ups your chances to 43%. And even just having one daughter makes you 5% more likely to split, according to Columbia University economist Kristin Mammen. Parents with two sons, in contrast, face a nearly 37% risk.  "We think it happens because fathers get more invested in family life when they have boys," Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History and director of research for the Council on Contemporary Families, toldThe Daily Beast.

4. Divorce runs in the family, so to speak. If your parents divorced, you're at least 40% more likely to do the same. But if they got remarried, you have a staggering 91% likelihood of getting divorced. 

5. A challenging child challenges a marriage. Parents who deal with a child's ADHD diagnosis are nearly 23% more likely to divorce before the child turns 8. 

6. Debt. Money woes are an obvious marital stressor. Not only do many divorce risk factors correlate to poverty, but marital happiness dramatically decreases as couples don't pay off their debts or take on new ones. And when one person is the big spender, according to one study, divorce can be 45% more likely. (Only extramarital affairs and substance abuse were stronger predictors!) 

"There can be a problem when one partner works or just has a significantly bigger salary, and the other spends an exorbitant amount of money. Fighting over the Amex bill every month is just a dumb fight to have. They've got to be on the same page, and I think setting a budget is key," explains Sussman.

7.  The groom frowned in his childhood snapshots. In two separate studies, psychologists evaluated peoples' childhood and yearbook photos and then evaluated their current marital health. Their findings? People who frown in photos are five times more likely to divorce than people who smile. (Yes, this one's especially, well, far-fetched.)

8. One partner smokes — but the other doesn't. When only one person in a relationship smokes, they're 75% to 91% more likely to split than smokers who are married to another smoker. Why? "Different values and lifestyles can be problematic," says Sussman.

9. The family's first child was born less than 8 months after the wedding. So, a shotgun ceremony is intuitively not the best way to start your union. But did you know it makes you 24% more likely to call it quits? 

10. The couple shacked up before marriage. Sure, cohabitation has been credited for decreasing the number of divorces overall. (One theory is that because couples who might otherwise divorce test the waters and fizzle beforehand, the couples who do marry are more committed.). But it's still not necessarily helpful once you do wed: Multiple studies say living together pre-nuptials gives couples about a 12% higher probability that their marriage will fail. 

11. One partner is a nurse. Yes, certain occupations have higher divorce rates — and not just police and military personnel. Dancers and choreographers have a 43% divorce rate, according to a 2009 study in the Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology. Bartenders split from a spouse 38% of the time, while nursing, psychiatric, and home health aides face an almost 29% divorce rate.

12. You live in Nevada. Or Maine. While much has been made of "red states" vs. "blue states"and marital trends, it's not so simple. Some states have younger ages of marriage, lower incomes, and other demographic factors that contribute to divorce risk. But Nevada residents can probably just thank Las Vegas for their 14.6% rate of divorced people. Maine is second with 14.2%; Oklahoma trails at 13.5%. New York, in contrast, may only have 8.8% divorced residents, but it also has one of the lowest number of married residents. To explain, some researchers say that you're more likely to get divorced in most "red states" — but only because you're also more likely to get married there.

13. The wife makes more money than the husband. Marriages where spouses earn roughly the same amount are more at prone to divorce than those where the wife earns less, according to a Swiss study of U.S. couples. And if the wife makes 60% or more of the family income, the risk of divorce is double that of couples where she doesn't work at all. 

14. Or she's older than him. Unfortunately, women who are one to three years older than their husbands are 53% more likely to end their marriage. According to the Australian paper, age disparities either way are associated with higher risk, especially if the man is younger. The study suggests it may be "due to differences in values
associated with birth control, or marital strain caused by power imbalances within the union."

15. Someone thinks they're always right. Think you're smarter than your spouse? By far, the biggest predictors of divorce are found in couples' attitudes to each other. Famed researcher John Gottman claims to be able to predict a couple's chances with 93% accuracy, based on four key traits which include being defensive and constant criticism. But he says the "kiss of death," is contempt and seeing your partner as beneath you. 

"It's constant anger and disgust, passive-aggressive digs, eye-rolling, and yelling at your partner," says Sussman. "When couples do that in a session, I say the research shows that if you keep doing that, there's a really good chance you're going to get divorced."

Resource: cosmopolitan.com

11 Things Every Woman Thinks on Tinder Dates

If this sucks, I'm leaving in an hour.

1. If this sucks, I'm leaving in an hour. Maybe I should set an alarm and label it, "Are you having fun, Lane? Really? Be honest."

2. Even if this is horrible, at least I can tell all my friends while they give me pitying looks. And then they'll say things like, "Ugh, I do not miss being single," and I'll be like, "I know!" and then we'll all get drunk. Not bad. 

3. What if this is seriously The One and then one day, we're like "And we met on Tinder. I know, lame, right?" But then what we really do is look at each other adoringly because awwww, modern love.

4. He looks exactly like/nothing like his photos. This is such a relief/gigantic disappointment for which I wish I could sue him.

5. Is he a murderer or am I just finally meeting a good one? He's wearing a dope suit with a cool tie, is actually employed by a place that doesn't sound made up, and he's reasonably funny. He's either killed people or he's my soul mate. No other options exist.

6. Yep, that explains why this guy is on Tinder. Vaguely sexist views on women and the belief that all his exes are "crazy"? Should've swiped left, dickmunch. 

7. If we hadn't met on Tinder, I wonder if we would've ever met any other way. Like maybe at the supermarket if I literally ever stopped staring at cookies and imagining how great it would be to eat them.

8. I'm so glad I messaged him even though he was making pseudo-duckface in one of his photos. I might actually want to, dare I say it, see him again. Holy shit, it's happening. The Tinder second date. Alert the media, as I thought this was a myth.

9. If we went back to my place, I wonder how soon I could get him to go down on me.I don't know, sometimes you just have a craving for it like pizza or reruns of Family Matters.

10. How do I communicate to him that I just want his penis inside me for tonight and to never see him again ever? Or the other side of that coin...

11. How do I tell him that I'm not hoping we bang in the alley behind this bar and then never speak again? Because um, yeah. Not my #goals.

Resource: cosmopolitan.com

Dear People in Relationships: Stop Saying You Miss Single Life

You may have forgotten that single life is not constant partying and casual sex.

"If I were still single..." my friend says as he stares at a woman from across the bar. He loves his girlfriend, I think he's just had a few too many drinks — a suspicion that's confirmed when he launches into an unprompted story about "college chicks." People in long-term relationships tell stories about their weirdest hookups or their craziest nights out the same way an old man would sit on a porch and tell stories of how he could've played college ball if he didn't blow out his knee senior year. A friend rolls their eyes when their partner texts because they know they'll have to end their night early. "You're so lucky," they tell our single friends as they close out their tab. Or the classic, "If I had Tinder when I was single..." Hell, lots of taken people still have Tinder. It's uncomfortable. But the real problem is, the whole thing is total bullshit.

There's nothing wrong with being single. It's great, and you should do whatever makes you happy. This isn't an argument about whether being single or in a relationship is better; you can't even compare the two. But if you're in a relationship, you damn well better believe it's better, or you should probably break up with your partner and stop complaining about it. 

Either you have minor complaints that you can work on (or accept), or you're better off single. If you're just pining for the life of a bachelor(ette) because you've been in the same relationship for four years, there's no real excuse. Sure, when you were single, the sex never got boring (when you had it). Yeah, you didn't have anyone to answer to and could come home whenever you wanted. But seeing it that way means you're forgetting all the times you were lonely or felt left out or wished you were in a relationship. It means you're negating the love and support you're getting in a relationship. It means you're putting the value of some independence above everything your partner brings to the table. In reality, you don't miss being single. You just miss being selfish.

Being single is hard as hell. I can't even count the number of times single friends have mentioned fears that they'll "be single forever" or complain about how they're the third (or fifth or seventh) wheel when we go out. Greg, 26, says he's irrationally worried about the dating pool shrinking. "There's a legit fear that the longer I'm out there dating, the less likely I'm ever going to actually find someone, and eventually I'm just going to be 'that single guy,'" he says. Lauren, 28, says that she's wingwomanned for a recently single friend who was out of the dating game for a while. "She was like, 'Now what?'" Lauren says, "I just took her to a few bars and got her to make a Tinder profile. She just kept expecting something else to happen. As if guys were just going to be running at her constantly on the street or something, or there was some kind of secret handshake."

For every crazy jealousy-inducing casual sex story, they have five more awkward or downright unbearable dates. Or, you'll run into them and they'll say, "Oh, I'm not dating that person anymore. I thought it was going somewhere, but they just stopped answering my texts." Brutal.

But being on the Internet 24/7 easily counters the IRL complaints we hear from single friends. I'm constantly reading studies about how single people are supposedly in better physical shape. Or how they have less debt and more friends. Even when studies show the benefits of marriage, it's presented as somehow shocking. It's a "grass is always greener and everyone is having crazy amounts of casual sex on that grass" type deal. We romanticize the single life. Hell, if the recent reveal of the 32 million people on Ashley Madison are any indication, some people are still pining for it. Craig, 27, tried to explain it as "it's not like I want to be single. I just want days where I can ... I don't know, just punch out, I guess."

If you're still really unsure whether you're missing something that never existed or are actually miserable (but hopefully, you can tell when you're miserable), just go have a night out with your friends. If you feel like it's out of your system, you're fine. If it's the happiest you've been in years, gather up your balls/ovaries and prepare your breakup speech. There is a distinction between wishing you had a little more freedom and secretly hoping your partner will dump you first so you're not the bad guy.

So don't sit there and pine for single life. Make a choice and own it. Your single friends, the ones you're so jealous of? They're dating because they want to have the thing you have. That's literally what you miss. You miss the act of trying to have the thing you already have. You're lucky. Deal with it.

Resource: cosmopolitan.com

The 14 Best Moments in Every Relationship

1. The first time you hang out one-on-one (and yes, Netflixing counts). Nothing is more exciting than letting out all your pent-up crush energy on a first date. It's almost as big a deal as your potential wedding day in terms of stories you'll have to tell over and over. PRO TIP: Don't bring up potential weddings on the first date.

2. That first awkward, nervous pause right before your first kiss. Your first kiss says, "I like hanging out with you, but I also want to make out with you all the time. Let's take this to the next level."

3. The first time you bone. Well, hopefully your first time was a great moment. And if not, you're a very selfless person for sticking with them. 

4. The first time you stay the night instead of abruptly peacing-out like Cinderella the second it hits 2 a.m. Especially if you usually run off into the night immediately after coitus. Well, maybe hobble into the night while trying to put on your pants is a more apt description. My point is, your first sleepover is a big deal.

5. When you did nothing in bed together and it was amazing. The first time you do this, it's cute and romantic. The 90th time you do this, you're codependent agoraphobics. But when you can literally spend all day sharing a tiny square together and doing nothing else, you've got something good going.

6. The moment you realize their family could also be your family (and you're OK with that). Some people have stupid families. So it's a relief when you meet your partner's and you actually feel at home. Getting along with their family instead of feeling awkward and intimidated is great.

7. When picking your partner up at the airport felt like the best moment in the world. Spending time apart (however long) is rough, but getting to see each other again makes it all worth it. All right, maybe it would've been better to not be apart in the first place. 

8. Buying a second toothbrush to keep at their house. You're basically saying, "I'm coming over whenever I want so you can never cheat on me." But also, you know, that you love spending time together.

9. When you had an insane fight, but you knew you never wanted to break up. At first glance, this might not seem like this should be labeled a "best moment." But it's fights like these that make you realize you really want to try to make this relationship work. Also, yo, makeup sex.

10. When you accidentally blurted out "I love you" and waited to hear them say it back. In the history of mankind, no two people have ever said "I love you" and then not fumbled through a conversation afterward. Your first declaration of love is always followed by an "I mean..." while you stare at your partner and hope they say it back before you punch out the nearest window and cut your jugular with a shard of glass.

11. When you went on a couples vacation that still feels like one of the high points of your relationship. Even if it's just an overnight trip, it beats the family trip you took to the Grand Canyon with your parents a few years ago.

12. Getting a dog and realizing you are successfully raising a living thing together.Week 1: It's not dead yet! Week 2: Still living! Week 3: We're a family now: me, you, and Muffins. Just us for the next decade or so. 

13. When you powered through the hard times together, and they seemed a little less hard with your partner by your side. Maybe you lost your job or a family member, or had to get a pretty serious surgery. It might not have been so great, but you were there for each other.

14. Any time you really, truly, just have a day to yourselves. These don't come often enough, and when they do, it feels like the best day ever.

Resource: cosmopolitan.com

My Husband and I Text More Than We Talk – and That's OK

My husband and I text each other like teenagers. We have far more texting conversations than we do face-to-face and it's a rare day where we go more than a couple of hours without texting each other. The fact is surprising to friends and family, who have been witness to the constant back-and-forth of our text communications. Regardless of the content  —and it might be the menu for dinner, a reminder about our children's school schedule, or a simple "I love you!" — the texts fly fast and furious from sunrise to bedtime. The fact is, texting has become our primary form of communication in the past few years and it doesn't bother me a bit. I love it.

The beauty of texting is that it simplifies our lives while intensifying our connection. Sending texts is easier than making a phone call — when one of us is likely busy with work or childcare — and written communication is a good way of keeping track of shared information from dates of parent-teacher conferences to grocery lists. We go back and forth constantly, every day, sharing the minutiae of our lives with each other whether it's about an NPR interview he heard on the way to work or a photograph of our sons on their first morning of school. Texting has become a way to improve our communication with each other and stay closer amid the chaos of our daily lives.

Texting also gives us peace of mind. I carry my phone with me on my nightly walks with our dog and text him once or twice during the walk, sending a photo of a particularly gorgeous moon or asking him to feed the cat. He texts me when he arrives safely at work in the morning and again when he leaves for home in the afternoon, giving me an estimated time of arrival. I text him when I drop off the kids at school in the morning and let him know my plan for after school. And so it goes. It's not only about safety, it's about connection — feeling as if our family is together, even when we're in our various pursuits.

And yes, we even text each other from different rooms of the house. If that sounds like a warning sign of a bad relationship or an addiction to tech, let me explain: We have two young children who fill our days (and nights) with chatter and stories of their own. In the evenings, we collaborate to get them to bed. We text each other while we're getting them bathed and in bed, when they are capable of doing everything themselves but still require some supervision. Even though we're in the same house, the many tasks that are involved in family life means that we aren't usually face-to-face and alone until after 9 p.m. at night. By that time, there are few details of each other's day that we don't already know. I feel as if I had been sitting in his middle school classroom while he taught math, I know what traffic was like both morning and afternoon, even what he had for lunch. He knows about my writing deadlines, has received links to my newest published piece, and knows how much coffee I had in one of my writing sessions at the coffee shop. We are together even when we are apart.

Some couples may feel like this is all too much connecting, too much sharing. But this isn't a new thing for us — we have always stayed this connected and involved in each other's lives, using whatever technology we've had available. Phone calls, voice mails, emails, video chat, we have made the most of all of them. And before that, we wrote letters and cards. In fact, we still do. It's not about the technology — though it has it has perks — it's about togetherness in whatever form we can get it. Our lives have been this entwined since we got married and the only thing that has changed is the mode of communication. There is nothing like spending a couple of hours lying on the couch, holding hands and talking about everything that's in our heads. But when time and circumstance doesn't allow for that, we have our text messages to keep us together.

And now you'll have to excuse me. I'm going to text my husband to see what he wants for dinner and tell him I love him.

Resource: cosmopolitan.com

The 14 Best Things About Having a Boyfriend

1. No more fumbley, weird "I don't even know what you like" first-time sex. That's not to say that boyfriend sex is fool-proof but your odds of having someone accidentally pull your hair because their stupid elbow was on it go down by a lot. 

2. He can not reply to your text and you won't go into a panic attack shame spiral wondering if he's ghosting. You can say "he's probably just busy" and know for a fact that yes, that is why. It's like having an oxygen tank at all times. 

3. You always have someone to zip up the back of your dress so you don't have to do that weird acrobatic arm thing. Even if it is probably good for your deltoids or something. It still blows.

4. You always have someone to split food with for those days when you feel like ordering like a monster but then remember you have a normal human stomach. And then on days when you somehow have a superhuman stomach…

5. You have twice the food always. Oh what's that? You're not hungry? Guess who is? It's me!

6. No more Tinder dates to run screaming from while wearing shoes that are really hard to run in. Plus, no after-work drink dates means you can actually get through the work week without a hangover from hell. Hello, productivity and a general lack of nausea. 

7. You can do any embarrassing thing on the planet and he will still think sun shines out of your butt. Which it honestly could. You don't know. You can't see down there.

8. You finally at long last have someone to suffer through family dinners with. There is no better feeling than kicking your boyfriend under the table when your grandad straight up starts eating that huge bowl of gravy with his own spoon.

9. You get to double date with your friends aka you get to spy on you friends' boyfriends to make sure they're good enough. And run over the data you have learned with your boyfriend to make sure you didn't miss any #facts.

10. There will always be someone to like your selfies. You can now post freely without fear of Zero Likes.

11. You automatically have approximately 40 percent more space in your brain because it's not begrudgingly focused on meeting The One. Obviously this much of your brain isn't focused on that but jesus christ, sometimes it feels like it's supposed to be and it's exhausting.

12. Valentine's Day is no longer a day of chalky candy-filled dread. It might be a day of excited joy or a day when you both do the same things you always do, but it holds no power over you any more, so suck it, VDay. 

13. All the time you used to spend online dating can now be spent on doing things that make your soul happy. Instead of killing it with a machete because jesus christ, one of these has to be good, right? (Not really). 

14. Couples costumes! I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I've had a lot of ~*iDeAs*~ about this lately, so FYI, next person I date: I have a whole list of potential couples costumes. We're set for three years, minimum. 

Resource: cosmopolitan.com

I Was Emotionally Unfaithful and It Poisoned My Relationship

My boyfriend and I moved to New York with only each other. We were 3,000 miles from home and knew no one else in this big city. I don't think either of us anticipated just how homesick we'd be, but at 19 years old, we were sure that all we needed was each other to take on this brand new world, so starkly different from our Southern California roots. Our naiveté didn't last long.

I hardly remember that fall, our first couple months learning and forgetting subway routes, me dutifully buried in schoolwork and him working 50+ hours a week just for an excuse to leave the house. But before I knew it, winter was upon us and we trudged through slush and snow, feeling perpetually frozen in a way that even my time in Colorado and London couldn't have prepared me for. Poor California boy, he'd never experienced anything like it.

By January, less than six months into our New York new life, hairline fractures of fear and homesickness had evolved into cracks of exhaustion, depression, and irreparable loneliness. Relying solely on one another for comfort, friendship, love, and support had made him needy and me resentful.

Frustrated by the imposed restrictedness on any social life and simultaneous monotony of our relationship, I sought out the attentions and affections of other men, former flings, and subway strangers, craving some kind of social interaction other than the repetitive banter and routine we had established at home. But my attempts to divert my domestic displeasures only made them that much more pronounced — we spent our evenings sitting opposite one other, Netflix on the TV but our fingers and eyes glued to our phones in a silent, self-induced boozy haze.

It was unfair of me to assume that he wasn't perceptive enough to notice. I kept my phone close at hand at all times, especially after his semi-successful attempts to learn my passcode and read my texts. We both felt the gap between us — mentally, emotionally, physically — widening, but were too scared of the potential loneliness to bring it up.

Our relationship ebbed further into distrust and resentment. Sensing something was going on, he would try going into my texts, Facebook messages, and email looking for something concrete to confirm his suspicions, and I would respond by strengthening my passwords and carrying my laptop with me when I left the house. But there weren't any sexts or dirty photos or evidence of infidelity that he was searching for in any of the messages with these other men. It wasn't the physical temptations leading me astray, but the search for emotional understanding from anyone to feel less alone.

One guy in particular, Sam, an old high school fling who was back in California, escalated our increasing trust issues to an unsalvageable level. Already (and quite reasonably) threatened by our history, my boyfriend was far from OK with my ongoing communication with Sam, especially as I became more secretive with my phone. So I would make excuses to leave the house while I called Sam for reassurance and comfort. I complained about my boyfriend and he responded with sympathetic encouragement for me to end things, that things could be so much better without him, that Sam and I had a "real" future together, until I was so worked up that I stormed home, icing out my boyfriend for no particular reason.

After eight months in New York, our relationship was only a hollow façade clinging onto some infinitesimal semblance of what we'd once been. Our daily communication had been boiled down to a scripted dialogue of "how was work/school" and a few select, abbreviated responses. We hadn't had sex in over three months; my failing to reciprocate his advances led him to finally give up any attempts. And the two of us, both singularly and as a couple, were utterly miserable. Rather than a reprieve from work and city life, home was tense and uninviting, and I spent many nights taking too-long walks.

That summer, we both went back to California, attempting to defrost our bones from the New York winter that seemed to last those entire eight months. It was there that I ended things. I was petrified of coming back to New York, this time truly on my own, but I was even more scared of having another year like that one. Loneliness is inevitable in a city as populated as New York, but there's nothing quite as isolating as being lonely with someone.

I am guilty, both of failing to communicate how I was feeling to my boyfriend and of using those other men as an emotional distraction. And it all led me right back to where I had spent all that effort avoiding — alone in New York, 3,000 miles from home.

Resource: cosmopolitan.com